Hello everyone, happy Friday! The past few days have been a mix of amazingly spiritual highs and horrible lows. However, the lows weren’t in vain, I have learned deeply from them, and that’s all that counts! I have been confronted with some of my own ego ‘delusions’ and judgments, but then also experienced two significant spiritual happenings, which I will share in a later post. I’ve been reminded that when we begin to grow spiritually, we are forced to face our own issues. And we are rigorously tested.

Here’s what happened. Prepare yourself, this is a long post! A dear friend and I got into a terrible argument. Two things brought on the argument: my friend’s negative vibes and thoughts, which he passed on to me over the weekend, and my own inability to be honest up front with him about it. We’d had similar problems in the past, and apparently this is something that needed to happen.

Before I get into what happened, I want to share up front that I believe – no, I know – that we all mirror each other. (I will be writing a full post on this at a later date). None of us are victims, except perhaps of our own behavior. Anything that bothers you about another person is something that you yourself do or have done and are not happy with. Period. We project our own shortcomings, expectations and behavior onto others. This is an amazingly powerful realization, and takes a while of applying to truly understand. I’ve been learning and applying this for many months and have reached an astounding level of clarity with it. It’s basically, ‘You spot it, you got it’. But on a deeper level.

So that said, here’s a basic sketch of the story that happened: A good male friend and I had gotten very close (spiritually) lately and even had a past-life crossing reading with a few weeks ago. I am further along on the metaphysical spiritual path because I’ve been studying metaphysics and meditating for many months now. So in a way, I was guiding and encouraging him. Anyway, him and I both are empaths and healers, and we are very sensitive to energy, especially from one another.

So, last Saturday night, he started to get really down and started questioning his spiritual beliefs. (Again). I was very vulnerable at the time because I had also been struggling last week with various things, most of which I didn’t share with him. You see, I am of the firm belief that if we are spiritually suffering, we should share it with someone who is qualified to handle the energy. To share your spiritual doubts or sufferings with someone newer on the path, can be in my opinion, detrimental to their growth. I usually speak to a therapist, strong spiritual friend or spiritual teacher when I’m really suffering. Mainly because I am not willing to pass my negative ‘burdens’ onto friends or family.

Continuing with the story… so, he unloaded his thoughts on me. I could tell he was really suffering, so I listened and encouraged him and reminded him of some of the miracles he’d already seen. But what I didn’t tell him is that his energy was being passed onto me. And that it was dark. There was NO way that I could have told him this on the phone when he was already suffering. So, I didn’t.

We hung up, and the next morning, I woke up in a pretty bad place. I was still carrying the energy he’d passed to me, along with the stuff I’d been carrying all week and hadn’t been able to release. I felt very sensitive, so I shut my phone off for the most part and didn’t talk to anyone for a couple of days. (I did make an exception and attended a metaphysical lecture on Sunday). By Monday, I was more calm and decided to go ahead and be honest with my friend about why I hadn’t talked to him in a couple of days.

Before contacting him, I processed the energy, spoke to a spiritual teacher and meditated on things so I was clear and focused. In doing so, I managed to finally understand what was going on. I saw that this situation had happened many, many times in the past with my buddy and I. We’d gotten in some terrible arguments over the past few years over this very same scenario. It would start with his negativity, which he’d unknowingly pass onto me, through constant complaints, etc. (By the way, I know he wasn’t doing this intentionally). Then I’d absorb it more and more, becoming more and more uncomfortable. I was too afraid to speak up about it.

And then I’d become more and more resentful, and finally one day, I’d release my pent up frustrations in the kindest way I knew how. It was and is extremely hard to say anything of a critical nature to this person – he immediately lashes out – so I would usually take to email, pouring out my heart. Every time, it started an argument, because he would deny, deny deny his negativity. Then, he’d add to the fight, bringing up all sorts of irrelevant things until everything was a hopeless mess.

We have both been at fault. And funnily enough, our past life crossing reading reflected this EXACT thing: that he needed to become aware of his influence over people, and I needed to learn to speak my mind to him.

So back to this story… I poured my heart out in an email. I know I was kind and loving in the email. However, it wasn’t taken that way… once again, he blew up. Completely. Immediately he began accusing me of things that I hadn’t even said. Within two or three exchanges of messages, the old patterns of him throwing in all sorts of irrelevant arguments and accusations started. This time I was very aware, and I continued to keep the subject on how we could try and fix the situation. I suggested that if he had certain dark doubts, he could share them with someone more equipped to handle them, until I was able to take it. However, he absolutely refused to see it that way and wanted to be able to unload his stuff on me whenever he wanted. Forget about whether I could handle it or not.

Anyway, for two days we traded emails, that got nastier and nastier on his part. I finally gave into my own ego and started arguing back.

I became aware on the second day that I was literally arguing with myself, my own ego. (And obviously his!) I had been told in a dream one of the nights prior that I was being spiritually tested. And boy, was I. I could see all of the qualities he was displaying in myself. And it wasn’t pretty, let me tell you. His refusal to listen to reason? Check. His wanting to complicate things until they were a huge mess? Check. Terribly painful self-pity and throwing guilt and blame? Check. I suddenly and very acutely became aware I was literally being confronted with my own ego, some things about myself that clearly, I am very unhappy with.

It was an extremely painful process, because there was nothing I could say to my friend to calm him down except one of two things: take full responsibility for something that was equally both of our faults, or refuse to argue any further. I chose the latter. I chose that option because if our friendship is to continue, we NEED to work out these issues that have plagued us for years. I am more than willing to work them out. But he wasn’t. It had to be his way.

Anyway, we formed an uneasy truce. He decided to completely give up on spirituality and go back to satisfying only his physical and ego demands (which doesn’t make sense to me, given how much he’d enjoyed the spiritual learnings). But I understand. I understand the limitations ego places on us. We become addicted to them. We revel in them, we live in them, not knowing there is another way.

I told my friend that I’m trying to devote my life to saying and thinking things only of the highest vibration. I have no interest in making fun of people, complaining (still working on this!) and partaking in some of the other activities he does on a regular basis. I told him that this is what I personally need and that I am only interested in raising my own vibrations at this point with the highest and most holistic thoughts and actions. (Again… still working on this). However, he took this to mean I was judging him and putting him in a box. I continually told him that no, I don’t expect this of him, but that this was what I need. He could not accept it.

There is not much that could be done when two friends come to a place where they are no longer matched in their values and goals in life. Since our uneasy truce was formed, I cannot talk to him about spiritual things, and he has taken to joyfully informing me about which unsavory activities he is participating in. Our friendship is pretty much at a standstill.

But, I AM NO VICTIM HERE. I APPARENTLY DREW THIS SITUATION TO ME BECAUSE I NEEDED TO LEARN FROM IT AND COME FACE-TO-FACE WITH MY OWN ISSUES. I do not blame him. So to make sure I’ve learned from this experience fully, I made a list of things that he was doing during our argument that were the most hurtful. Then I took an honest but compassionate look at myself to see how I was doing these very things to MYSELF. And yes, I could see each one. Self pity? Yes, it’s been something I’ve struggled with for most of my life but that I have begun to break away from. Negativity? Definitely. Inability to learn or see reason? Yes. I am given much advice by my spiritual teachers, and I tend to ignore much of it. Complicating things so they can’t be fixed? Yes, oh yes. The ego is extremely good at complicating things. Especially mine, since I like to believe I’m extremely intellectual.

The self-pity comes into play these days mainly through that I have refused to accept who I truly am – a spirit, a light soul who has a purpose for being here. I’ve come up with so many excuses not to accept this.

But not anymore. This painful episode – which kept me literally anxious, panicky and miserable for two straight days – was a huge learning experience. I only hope my friend learns from it as well. He will not listen to anything spiritual anymore, so I cannot share this with him. But that is OK. He is on his own path of learning. He will get there, I have no doubt. As will I. We are all works-in-progress.

The most important thing I’ve learned from this experience is that I need to become teachable again, and start really, really listening to my inner guidance and the teachers in my life. I will follow up with another post with some spiritual happenings and realizations that came about in the past couple of days.

To all persons reading this, I challenge you: Think back to your last argument with a loved one or friend. What exactly did they do or say that really bothered you? Be honest. Write it down. Then be even more honest, and think about how you may be doing that very same thing in your life. Maybe you are doing it to yourself. Maybe you are doing it to someone else. At first, it takes a while to really see how you are mirroring the behavior. But with practice, diligence and honesty, it will become apparent. The most amazing thing is that once you identify the behavior in yourself and start working on it, you will see the other person working on it, too. We don’t only mirror the ‘unpleasant’ stuff. Positive changes in yourself can and will be mirrored and reflected outwards, like the pond ripple effect. You’ll see.