Getting To The Core Of Truth

Enlightening Experiences, Letting Go, Painful Lessons, Realizations No Responses »
Apr 212012

Sometimes it takes the hardest, most painful circumstances in life to make us aware of what we have been doing our entire lives. This was certainly true in my case. In the past couple of weeks, I have gone through one of the most painful experiences of my life. However now that I can look back on it, I see it was a beautiful and much-needed learning experience,because unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to learn the lesson any other way. I made a startling discovery that will absolutely change my life.

As many of you know, I partially moved to Sedona in March. I say partially because I still have an apartment in Tulsa, OK, so I go back and forth. Well, when I first came to Sedona to visit in February, I was actually ‘running away’ from Tulsa, because my boredom and unhappiness was so strong. I felt I had to get out of there. I felt Tulsa was the problem.

Funnily enough, I have followed that scenario for years. Back in 2002, I was so desperately sick of California that I moved to New Hampshire. I hated California and felt it was dragging me down. You see, California was the problem, not me. ;) Then in 2007, I had had enough of New Hampshire. I was lonely and miserable. New Hampshire was obviously the problem, not me! So, I moved to Oklahoma. Oklahoma was boring after a while, so I did a lot of road trips.

Each time, I made the place I lived the problem. However, what I’ve realized is that ‘I’ was the problem! Each time, I was only running away from myself. The problem is, I followed myself everywhere I went. I couldn’t escape. So, each time, the ‘problem’ got worse and worse.

Well, my higher Self finally decided it was time for me to learn a lesson the hard way, since I wouldn’t learn otherwise. So, things really escalated once I moved to Sedona, where the spiritual energy is extremely high and it’s hard to hide from anything (unless you leave, which I did a few times). My higher Self decided to teach me this lesson by creating some really difficult circumstances, where I would be ‘trapped’ in certain scenarios and have no choice but to face myself. It did this twice in March while I was here: in March, I became so restless and unhappy (for reasons I will explain at another time) here, that I decided I had to get out of here. (Actually, I had that spiritual seminar in Illinois to get to). I wanted to leave a few days early because I was so restless and miserable. However, a snowstorm hit, and they shut down the very highway I needed to leave here. For several days it snowed in Arizona. I was essentially ‘trapped’ here, barely able to leave the house. I paced the house like a caged animal. I finally managed to escape once the snow melted – just in time to drive to Illinois, thank goodness.

Another thing that happened in March is that I drove out to a nearby town about 18 miles away one day. Upon my return, I got stuck in terrible traffic (construction) for about 20 minutes. Well, I had a panic attack. Behind the wheel. That was a very unpleasant experience that could have enabled me to use many of the calming and centering skills I learned over the past year. But no. Instead I yelled, freaked out, and freaked out some more.

Then this last time I have been in Sedona (since around April 8th), things got progressively worse. Within days of getting here, I became miserable, unable to sleep, eat or leave the house for more than a few minutes at a time. Huge anxiety. It got so bad that I became manic – pacing the house, unable to focus on anything, panicky, anxious, nauseated, the whole nine yards. I am not exaggerating – in fact, I cannot even explain the extent of it. I also admit to using alcohol to try and soothe and sedate myself, but that would not work, and that actually caused the problem to get a thousand times worse. No matter how much I drank, it wouldn’t cease. Once again, I wanted to get the heck out of here. But I couldn’t, because I couldn’t drive in that condition – especially not drive through the mountains and desert at high altitudes! I finally had no choice but to call an ambulance on myself several days ago. They took me to a hospital and stabilized me, rehydrated me, gave me lots of oxygen and some mild anxiety pills so I could sleep.

However, during my darkest most desperate nights – there were about three of them – I had some huge revelations and huge understandings about why this was going on. It boils down to essentially this: I WAS RUNNING FROM MYSELF, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And not only that, I’ve done it my ENTIRE life! Not just by relocating to different states, but through everything I did… reading books, watching TV, gaming, distractions… and not just through those things, either. Ever since I was young, I would ‘create’ problems for myself to get out of: dramas with other people, arguments and debates, feelings of imagined victimization, involvement in ‘do-gooding’, immersion into celebrity gossip and blogging, and much more. Then the eating problems, eating disorder, drinking, getting involved with recovery.

As a matter of fact, I realized that my alcoholism was the biggest ‘escape’ of all. First I drank to escape, then I got to the point I had to get help. Then the help itself turned into another distraction, because recovery basically has to consume your entire life. (Granted, 12 step and other programs do force you look at yourself, but not to the extent you need to, in my opinion. Reading on below you’ll see what I mean.)

Many of those things I mentioned above make up a person’s life. And I’m not saying they are bad. They are, however, distractions from us going within and seeing the Truth. And I’m discovering that we have to go in and get through all the ‘muck and grime’ before we can start uncovering the real Truth, which is that we are beautiful, shining Beings of Light. And more. I had a perfect chance, in attending a metaphysical school last year – to go deep within and do the work of uncovering the ‘muck and grime’. But I ran, once again, because I couldn’t handle it.

It’s like going into a basement and turning on the light. At first, we see all these dusty cobwebs, piles of old junk and boxes, filth and grime everywhere. But if we set about the task of cleaning it up, we start seeing the beautiful wood on the walls, or the shiny trinkets that were hiding in those boxes, or all those treasures we’d forgotten about. In the Universal Language of Mind, basements actually represent our unconscious – things/beliefs we’ve been operating from all our lives but haven’t been aware of. So, with that understanding, we can clean out that darn basement once and for all and never put another thing in it.

:)

In my own journey, things began accelerating because I finally became willing – last month in March – to truly start looking at all the ‘muck and grime’ with no judgment. I became willing to see all the things I’ve done and why. For instance, I realized how my insecurity colors just about everything I do and/or say. And how I just have to be right, because I am terrified to be wrong. And many more. When I became willing to see these things about myself without being embarrassed or judgmental or angry, an incredible thing happened: I began to see even below those things, and why I was doing them in the first place. Then I went even further down to reveal beliefs I’ve had since I’ve been a child – and beyond.

I’ve made a startling discovery out of all of this: there are certain core beliefs I developed upon entering into this lifetime that have colored my entire life until now: I didn’t want to be born. I thought that ‘descending into the darkness of physical life’ I was separate from God/Light. I was wrong and bad, guilty and shameful. And angry. I also felt abandoned by God.

So, with all of these mistaken beliefs about myself, I spent my life ‘hiding’ from that very Light. And most astoundingly of all, I developed tons of ways to overcompensate for them!! For instance… because of the guilt, I tried to be a ‘good girl’ my entire life. And because I was so ashamed of being wrong, I developed a terror of being wrong, so I always had/have to be right.

Seriously? I have spent my entire life overcompensating for mistaken/false beliefs that I created for myself upon entering into this physical body.

It gets even deeper here…

The Buddha and other spiritual masters teach that ‘Thought is Cause’. I have found this to be true. In my childhood, I unconsciously created some of these scenarios that would stay with me for life. For instance, I ended up in situations as a young child where I would be harshly reprimanded for making a mistake. (Adding to my terror of making mistakes and being ‘wrong’). Because I hated myself unconsciously, I created many scenarios where people would hate me. And because I felt so abandoned by God/Light, I created tons of abandonment scenarios over the years. As for the guilt and shame thing… well, I was in a family where I was strongly encouraged (pretty much forced for many years) to attend a strict Baptist church where guilt and shame is the name of the game! (You know, because they teach that you are a sinner just for being born). As for the anger thing, there were plenty of things my beliefs and thoughts caused to happen that would create even more anger within.

And then… I went through a period in the past year where I became a super spiritual person do-gooder. Started doing free healings and intuitive readings to help people. Sure, my intentions were and still are good. But I realized that even this is an overcompensation for all of those feelings of lack of fulfillment within, all those feelings that I am wrong and bad and I have to make up for it somehow. And I thought all these things would bring me closer to God and enlightenment.

Here’s the good news, though: I finally realized that we are NOT at all separate from God/Light, EVER. Because we ARE a reflection of God/Light. Our physical body is the literal reflection of God & Light. We would not exist without God/Light! So with that understanding, how can we ever truly do anything ‘wrong’? How can we continue to try and hide from that which is always present? Sure, the Light is obscured in our many false beliefs and lack of understanding. And over many lifetimes, we begin uncovering these things within us that one by one remove the ‘darkness’, so we can become – in these physical bodies – an embodiment of this Light. And Karma exists for the purpose of balancing out things that we do that harms others, ourselves or other things.

So there is nothing we can do that we need to hide from, because God/Light is everywhere and knows everything already.

Anyway, all of these (and more) revelations have come to me in the past month through extreme suffering. That’s another thing… I also learned that I do not have to cause myself extreme suffering to learn these amazing things anymore. I simply need to meditate diligently and often to allow them to come through on their own. And also learn to embrace life situations and find the learning in them all. I also need to learn how to create my own forward movement in life, so that painful circumstances don’t have to force it.

By the way, one way I was able to start embracing and looking at my own ‘faults’ is through other people who irritated the heck out of me. One night, I kept getting onto this particular forum where people were arguing about certain things. I got so incensed at some of the things people would say. As I went to bed after a particular heated discussion, I started to wonder why I was so upset. Why did I care so much? In questioning THAT, I began seeing how those people were reflecting certain parts of myself. (A concept I’ve written about on this very site! And I still got caught up in blaming others. :) ) When I realized that however, for once, I didn’t get upset but instead started to just look at my own motives TOTALLY HONESTLY. And I decided to go deeper and deeper with it.

Here’s a quick example of the self-inquiry I did that night:

1. I was mad because a lady on the forum was spouting false truths right and left. And pretending to be what she wasn’t. She wouldn’t listen to me telling her the truth.
2. It frustrated me that she was deceiving people.
3. I questioned myself as to why I was so upset about that. The real truth, I discovered upon deep reflection, is because I know I often deceive myself, with excuses about why I can’t do certain things. I have every excuse in the book as to why I can’t do certain things, when I really can.
3. Next, I began questioning myself as to why she wouldn’t listen to me and why it bothered me. I realized then it was because I usually didn’t listen to my own higher Self. And often didn’t listen to people giving me good advice. So in essence, why should anyone listen to ME?
4. Then I asked myself why I had to be right. And realized it was because I felt I had to be right. Going back to that old fear of being terrified of being wrong.
5. And why did I care that she was pretending to be something she wasn’t? Well, this was a hard one, but I still managed to look at it without judgment: because I also often pretended things to people, online. I would pretend on Facebook to be happy, for example, when I felt I was dying inside. I would pretend to be an authority on things when I really wasn’t. And more. I have spent a lot of time pretending.
7. And so then it all began to make sense – about how this all reflected me and my own belief patterns and behavior. When I looked at it all honestly, without judgment (and even began laughing with relief to finally understand), all those patterns began falling away and even deeper and more amazing truth then had a chance to come through.

So I implore you: DO NOT IGNORE THE PEOPLE WHO IRRITATE YOU MOST. THEY ARE TEACHING YOU VERY IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF!!!!

:)

These past few months haven’t been easy. They have been the most difficult time of my life. But they have also been the most amazing and beautiful.

Anyway, I hope you all can take something from this post. So if there is any advice I have to give at this point, after going through these and many other experiences is this: Stop running. Stop creating all these distractions, scenarios, and more. Start looking at people around you, as they will teach you about yourself. And then start going within. Meditate. Find a Self-realization or Self-mastery course or study.

Thanks for reading this very long post!

Posted by Rian at 4:33 pm Tagged with: , , , , ,

Amazing Spiritual Weekend

Enlightening Experiences, Messages From Beyond, Realizations 1 Response »
Sep 262011

I am back from my weekend in Oklahoma City and it was amazing! I spent the weekend with many metaphysically-minded and spiritual people and teachers. The Still Mind, Present Moment, Open Heart event was very eye-opening. I got the chance to use some of my newly acquired concentration skills throughout the day on Saturday and Sunday. And when you spend that much time in the mind (as opposed the brain/ego), profound things happen!

One of the best things to come out of that weekend was the realization that I really, really want to be a spiritual/metaphysical teacher. I got to talk to several students from other schools (in different cities and states) who are a little behind me in the lessons and was able to share a little about my experiences and realizations from when I was on those lessons. And it was such an incredible joy to see them listening to what I had to say and having it resonate with them! I realized that I want to be teaching people who are as eager to learn about the mind and spirit as I am. Another benefit that came from the weekend: I managed to shed a lot of baggage, get in touch with my deeper Self and realize the things I believe are really important.

So, the weekend started as my teacher and I arrived at the Oklahoma City School of Metaphysics on Friday evening and helped prepare for the upcoming weekend events. We had dinner with many students from other schools along with the Chancellor of the college (who was the speaker/leader for Saturday’s event) and his wife and son. We did a group meditation late Friday night before bed, then Saturday we headed over to the Oklahoma City University to set up for the Still Mind event. Then we did another large group dinner Saturday night. Sunday (yesterday) we sat through three rounds of intuitive reports. The reports are done by two doctors of metaphysics and given from the inner levels of mind. Sitting through the reports is a profound experience… knowledge and wisdom from the ‘inner levels’ (spiritual realm) is given. The room is very still and if a person is open, they can receive healing, peace and intuitive guidance. I received a few things that I wrote down to later share.

One thing I realized is that all wisdom and knowledge – brilliant ideas and concepts – already exist in the inner levels, and the people (known as ‘geniuses’ and brilliant thinkers) are simply people who have learned how to access these parts of their minds. Usually it’s from past lives where they practiced meditation, concentration and/or other mind exercises. I am grateful that I am one of the people who can receive ideas and insight. In the past few months I have received so many amazing ideas, and now I realize that it is not ‘me’ who is coming up with the ideas, but that I am merely the vehicle that is receiving them. It is up to me now to follow through on them. This was alluded to in my past life profile.

The past life profile reading that I received was of a life from the 1700′s. I was a woman born in England (my name was Agatha) who married at a young age and followed my husband to India, where we lived out the rest of our lives. Apparently we were well off because we had servants, and after several of my servants died of illness, I became interested in Ayurveda. I became adept at the practice, bringing in people who knew about it, and learned a great deal and started helping heal people with the knowledge. I apparently taught a few people near me about it but never found my voice, so I could not make a significant difference except in the people’s lives who I helped. Apparently there were some things going on in India around that time (which I have yet to look up for that time period) and I became secretive of my knowledge and wouldn’t tell people where I learned it. Therefore, I missed out on passing along important knowledge that could have benefited a great deal more people.

The reason that past life was brought up in the reading is because it’s relevant to my current situation. As mentioned above, I receive so many ideas for helping people – some of which I share on here and my other blog – but some that involve writing books about certain topics pertaining to alternative methods of healing that involve the mind. Sitting through the readings (mine and other people’s) opened up even more ideas and concepts to share. It was mentioned in my report that I have the opportunity to share a lot of things with a lot of people and that it’s time to start testing out these theories and ideas I have on a much bigger scale.

Anyway, it was a mind-blowing weekend indeed! I met lots of new people and reconnected with people I haven’t seen for a while.

Another great thing that came out of the weekend events is that I have discovered a great desire within me to share what I am learning and experiencing with others – even when I don’t have it all quite figured out yet. So, I’m committing myself to doing that here on this blog (even though I may miss a few days here and there!) and on my organicveggiegirl.com site. It’s going to be a busy next few weeks… I am going to be out of town again this coming weekend and possibly for the next week and a half after that. I will however have a laptop with me and continue to update when I can.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Posted by Rian at 3:58 pm Tagged with: , , , ,

Are You Living Your Truths And Ideals?

Enlightening Experiences, Realizations, Things To Do No Responses »
Jul 012011

Are you Living Your Truths and Ideals? Here’s my story on this subject!

To give you a little background on things, I have been receiving two major pieces of information about myself during my meditations lately. Basically I’ve had many meditations in the past few weeks where I get to a point that I hear a loud inner voice telling me these things. Until the past day or two, I haven’t been able to accept them, dismissing them as fantasy, ego lies, etc. I’ve fought them, struggled against them and rationalized them away. To clarify a bit, they were things about who I am and my purpose on this planet at this time and further information that pertains to it. Given the fact that I’ve been a basket case most of my life until recently (and still exhibit some of these qualities from time to time over certain issues), it’s been hard to accept these things.

However, Wednesday night was a break-through. My new metaphysics teacher, one of my classmates and myself took a drive out to Stillwater (about an hour and a half or so) to hear a teacher from another school give a lecture on dreams and dream meanings. Now, I’ve been to many lectures on dreams at this point, but interestingly enough, I learn new things at every one. I also receive guidance on seemingly random things the lecturer says (but now I know it’s never random). Anyway, the four of us went out to a restaurant after the lecture. Somehow the topic got onto meditations, and I told the teacher from the other school how I get to a certain point in meditation and than my inner voice starts somewhat loudly interfering, and I can’t seem to get past it, and that it keeps telling me the same two things that I couldn’t believe were true.

He looked directly at me and said something to the effect of, ‘Well, it sounds like you need to address and respond to what you are being told.’ As he said it, I felt locked onto what he was saying and felt it to my very core. I knew what he was saying was accurate. (As you get further along on your spiritual journey, you will not only be able to feel truth, not just hear it, but also see it, perceive it, feel it and know it). This was the case with what he told me. It was a powerful exchange and shook me. So on the way home, what he said kept going through my mind. I realized it was time to face and accept a certain truth (the first one of the two) that I didn’t want to confront. I cannot share this truth on here at this time, but suffice it is to say that it will give me a large amount of responsibility for the rest of my life and open me up to a life I never dreamed existed.

So late Wednesday night and yesterday (Thursday) I pondered over this realization and finally, finally decided to accept it. Last night was class night. During the time I was reading the lesson out loud, I was overcome with the urge to cry. Not a self-pitying, sad cry, but a ‘this is the truth’ cry. Because while reading, I was receiving images and words in my mind and heart that caused previously confusing concepts to ‘make sense’. And what I received pertained to the second truth that continually came up during and after my meditations.

I realized that I haven’t wanted to receive these new concepts because of fear – fear of responsibility, fear of teaching, fear of healing in the full capacity that I am able, fear of being a leader. But finally last night while reading the lesson, I realized that these fears are completely unfounded! I suddenly saw that my Higher Self/Spirit has always been here for me and has helped me a great deal of times during healings, unofficial counseling sessions with others, and many other instances. I am not alone and never was. And as I pursue my path of teaching and other higher-minded ideals, I will never, ever be alone and will always be inspired. Knowing this now, a huge weight of fear has been lifted from me.

Not only that, but lately I’ve struggled with discernment over my inner intuitive/spirit voice versus ego and other unproductive voices. I realized that the inner voice was there all along, communicating, but that I had been blocking it out for the above reasons.

Wow!

The question now is, am I living these two important truths that I’ve realized? Or more importantly, will I live them fearlessly going forward? I’ve realized and decided that I am accepting the life path of Service To Others (sacred, selfless service), and now I can hold this ideal in mind anytime I have a choice to make. And I can apply it to absolutely everything in life. Such as, when making a choice to do an activity, I can ask myself, “will this be for the good of all concerned (myself included), or is this out of line with my life ideal?” I have decided that this is the only way for me to live from now on, especially if I intend to carry out my life’s plans.

So I ask you, what Truths and Ideals do you know about yourself? Are you truly living them minute by minute, day by day? Are you too afraid to step out into the world and do what you know is right? If so, do not fear, we are all here for a reason, and if you are reading this, you have something very important to do for yourself and others and it’s time to get started NOW! Your life will never be the same, it will expand to include the most beautiful, amazing things you never thought (or maybe only wistfully imagined) were possible.

Posted by Rian at 5:57 pm Tagged with: , , ,

A Beautiful Weekend Of Healing And Growth

Enlightening Experiences, Manifesting & Creating 3 Responses »
Jun 142011

I spent the past weekend at another spiritual focus weekend in Missouri (the College of Metaphysics), and let me just say… WOW. This was my second time up there for a weekend and once again it far succeeded any positive expectations I had.

Each of their weekends have a theme, and this time it was ‘Genius Code/Creative Mind’, and we each received an intuitive reading about how we use our creative minds, how we manifest thoughts and ideas into the physical, and suggestions on how to draw more of that power. I went into the weekend thinking I’d get an interesting report because I’ve always been very creative, have always had amazing ideas (some of which ended up being successful), and have always felt that creative spark. However, the report geared more towards how I was creating my life in general – meaning, manifesting thoughts and ideas into physical realities.

I’ve mentioned on here lately that I’ve had really profound spiritual experiences. As alluded to in my last full post, a couple of weeks ago, I’d received information from part of my highest Self, which is superconscious mind. For those that don’t know, we have seven levels of mind. Imagine a triangle with 7 levels, divided into three main areas. The 7th (and bottom) level is the conscious mind, which is where most people reside day to day. Then levels 3-6 are in the subconscious mind – the 6th is the emotional level, 5th is lower astral, 4th is higher astral (the Akashic records are somewhere between the 4th and 5th levels), and the 3rd is mental. Next at the top of the mind triangle is superconscious mind, where divine inspiration for our soul’s and spirit’s plan is. The 2nd level of mind is the causal level and the 1st is God-consciousness (basically, the part of mind Buddha, Jesus and other enlightened masters reached during their lifetimes).

So anyway, recently I’d had experiences where I’d received true divine inspiration. Well I found out in my intuitive reading that I have the capability to not only receive it, but I have the mental capacity to function in that light ‘continuously’. I literally have the ability to receive from superconscious mind (the highest part of mind!!) on a regular basis! Providing, of course, that I continue to hone and build my concentration, attention and intention. I was floored and overjoyed when I heard that. The report mentioned that I do manage to create and manifest various ideas and purposes, but that there is a lot of polarity in my mind that will need to be balanced out. Some of my ideas are very whimsical, some of them are pragmatic. My goal is to balance the two out. It will take immense concentration and attention.

So, the weekend was full of profound experiences. There is the most powerful spiritual and healing energy up at the college, which is located a ways outside of Springfield. Everyone attending this session cried at some point or another, including me. It was a healing kind of crying however, the kind where you feel it in your heart chakra area. I cried the first night I got there because I was having another ego reaction. That’s one thing that happens as well when you are on the path to enlightenment – your ego/physical brain is threatened and will do anything and everything it can to keep you entrapped. I’ve seen the nasty, manipulative and seductive sides of my ego now and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. So, my first night up there, I lay in bed crying, with all sorts of negative thoughts. It felt at one point that I was having a ‘dark night of the soul’ of sorts. I felt abandoned, alone, etc. However, at one point I felt a spiritual presence pat me gently on the feet. Earlier in the evening we’d gathered in the peace dome, which is this dome-shaped building on the property, for a lecture. It was powerful and moving. (My second cry of the weekend was when we were allowed to enter the second floor of the peace dome. They read a peace proclamation up there every morning, plus meditate, and the energy is SO powerful that I can’t even explain it. All I know is that I walked in the huge, bright room and immediately began crying and couldn’t really stop the entire time I was in there. It was a healing cry and I received immense love throughout).

The next morning I awoke refreshed, and we began the day. We received our intuitive reports, transcribed them, then had a question-and-answer session with the chancellor of the school, who is definitely a truly enlightened person. (Both him and his wife run the college, and they are filled with this beautiful, loving, powerful healing energy. Most people, including me, have cried or teared up while talking to one of them because of the immense waves of love pouring from them. The chancellor is the person who wrote the book in the right column of this blog, ‘Permanent Healing’ – one of the most important books I’ve ever read and highly recommend to everyone!) So anyway, we received answers to our deepest questions. He also diagnosed a thyroid inflammation while I was receiving my report, and I received suggestions on how to heal it. I also found out why I have it in the first place. I will be doing a separate post on this!

Anyway, the weekend continued on, and there was so much healing, love, laughter and realizations that took place. Anyone and everyone that goes up there wants to stay and stay, they don’t want to leave, including me! (If you are a student in the School of Metaphysics, you can go live up there after you complete the first cycle). Anyway, I had the chance to sit and talk to the chancellor one-on-one before leaving. This was one of the many highlights of the weekend – somehow I ended up pouring out my heart about certain issues that had been weighing on my mind. Some of the more embarrassing issues I’ve had came out, too, and I felt completely safe the entire time. Each time I shared something, I felt an outpouring of healing entering my heart chakra and that the issue was healed. I received some direction and advice on what I can do going forward.

Another major thing I focused on this past weekend was staying receptive to healing and love. There is SO much love and healing up there, and the last time I’d been there, I was so fearful that I blocked a lot of it. It’s so powerful that you feel yourself receiving it through the heart chakra. This weekend, I stayed very mindful of receiving, and anytime I became aware I was blocking, I opened myself again. The ways I block myself are by being very physically tense – I would tense up my body. Or my mind would wander to something else. Or, while talking to someone one-on-one, I’d nod a lot or talk over them. Etc. As a human species, one of our main issues is that we feel separate from Spirit, and so we automatically do everything and anything we can to block it out and remain ‘separate’. (I’ll be doing a specific post about this at a later date).

I discovered this past weekend that this could possibly be my last life on earth… It seems so weird… I mean, most of my life, I was living in the dark, not knowing anything about anything! For the past few years, I’ve run a blog based on the most seemingly superficial stuff ever! And my awakening experience has just been in the last year! However, I know now that I chose my life circumstances very purposefully. I chose alcoholism, overeating and eating disordered thoughts, a very dogmatic religious upbringing, and parents who passed on certain unproductive thoughts – all for beautiful reasons. All of these experiences will be used for the Good! There are SO many people suffering out there and since I’ve now gone through the wringer myself, I can help others discover why they are going through it! And SO much more. I have SO many exciting and beautiful ideas on how to help people now.

One thing I learned this weekend is how utterly important it is – no, critical – to monitor what we think, act and do around our children. They literally pick up our thoughts and beliefs like a sponge and develop them into their own.

Now, after going through the hell and horror that is alcoholism, I have come out on the other side knowing what Light really is. I have learned compassion and gratitude – two qualities I barely knew about before the ordeal. I’ve had many, many lifetimes where I was religious and/or spiritual – including the one as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. One thing I lacked in many of those lifetimes was will and discipline, which is why I did not become fully enlightened in those lives. This is why I chose the parents I did in this lifetime, who passed on certain issues – I knew I would have to be ‘forced’ in this lifetime to develop will, or it would destroy me otherwise. So, when receiving the willpower and throat chakra healing a few weeks ago (described in a previous post), it set me on the path to receiving the wisdom I did this past weekend on how to expand on it, and constantly live and receive from the highest part of my mind.

Whew. Ok, anyway, it was an amazing weekend. I met some people who were amazing and have experienced amazing parallels to my own life. Most importantly I learned how important it is to consciously create things in our life. We create our lives and circumstances with our thoughts and intentions. Through concentration and meditation, we learn what our thoughts are, and through that can begin releasing unproductive and negative thoughts and upgrading them to positive. (I’ve been working on this since February, but am ‘stepping up the game’ now). Visualization, purpose and action are important steps to manifesting ideals and goals.

I will be doing a separate post talking about my thyroid inflammation (which has already healed to a certain extent) and how it’s related to will and my life’s purpose. I also will talk about my updated diet. (Yeah, I’m not currently eating vegan… more on that later.) I also plan to post about how to begin ridding yourself of negative thoughts.

Thanks for reading this super-long post! :)

So… what do you want to create for yourself today? Here’s a simple exercise: come up with a goal you’d like to accomplish today. Visualize it happening. Come up with a purpose – something you will receive from the experience, like say, love, joy, connectedness, peace, etc. Then decide what plan of action you will need to do to accomplish it.

I will share my goal/ideal for the day: My ideal/goal is to enhance my concentration skills. The purposes I have chosen is for concentration and clarity. (Much clarity comes from concentration). My ‘plan of action’ is to be mindful in all I do, and to meditate for an extended period of time and also complete my mental disciplines for the day.

Posted by Rian at 3:02 pm Tagged with: , , , , , , , , , ,

Letting Go Of Toxic Relationships

Painful Lessons, Things To Do 7 Responses »
May 012011

Sometimes, despite your best of intentions and actions, you realize you have reached the end of the line with people in your life, for various reasons. Perhaps some of them are violently opposed to your spiritual growth and fear it threatens them or the relationship; perhaps they are the types that do everything in their power to bring you back down to their level; maybe they are so opposed to growth in their own lives that any time you gently point out something that might help them or the friendship continue in harmony, they vehemently oppose it and play a victim role.

Unfortunately, a long-time (8+ year) friendship that I have had has come to a final end, because the person has exhibited all of the above qualities. For a long time I tried to be gentle, caring, loving and firm. We had been growing apart for quite some time because we are moving in different directions in life. For instance, I am working hard to create much growth, harmony and peace in my life and am taking steps to leave dissension, self-pity and self-blame behind. I have been examining each thing I do in my life and seeing if it fits with the person I know I truly am inside (and am working to become), and discarding things that inhibit my growth into a humble, gentle, caring, loving and peace-filled individual. However, this friend is insistent on sitting around complaining about every little thing in life, not even realizing the potential he has to cause a positive movement. While that is fine for him if that is what he chooses, he will whine and complain incessantly during our phone conversations, dragging me down to his level of discontent, self righteousness and unhappiness. The past few times I’ve brought it up with him, he cruelly attacked my values and beliefs and actions, while at the same time act like a victim.

I blogged about our last argument here and made many mentions of the fact that I’m aware he is/was only mirroring behavior within me. I was under the mistaken impression however that I needed to keep that person in my life and only make the changes within myself. So, we became friends again for a time. However, it has become glaringly obvious that sometimes you have to let go people who mirror the worst inside of you for the very sake of sanity. How can I work on myself when the person continually exhibits and flaunts behavior that I myself am working to change within me?

So what happens when, as is true in the case with my now former friend, two friends are making different choices in life that is bringing them further and further apart? What happens when they cannot support each other because they are into different things? The only thing I see to do in this case is start a peaceful detachment process with one another. After all, things, people and places come and go in our physical realm. It doesn’t mean they aren’t still attached on a soul and energetic level. So, in the past week I started distancing myself with this friend, remaining friendly but detached. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we were moving in opposite directions.

When I gently informed this person I was taking a step back in the friendship for that very reason, he lashed out (once again) with heaps of abuse and attack dialogue. Again. Once again it sparked a huge fight filled with hateful accusations and blame coming from his end (NOT mine). While reading yet another angry email from him last night, it clicked… I do not deserve this.

I deserve friends who will bring out my best qualities, not my worst ones! I deserve someone who knows about my spiritual path and accepts my choices joyfully. Just as my friends deserve that from me!

And if you cannot be joyful about their life choices for whatever reason… it’s time to move on.

And that’s what I am doing – except permanently this time! I recall last year we’d had a similar falling out that lasted about two months, and during that time, I lost about 10 (much needed) pounds and a couple of my ailments disappeared – the ones related to self-pity and self-blame. However, it didn’t last, and I brought the friend back into my life. (Some of the ailments returned along with him!)

Sometimes, it’s just time to let go and move forward into the light of awareness and gratitude. I am grateful for this former friend and the times we had and I will always treasure the experience.

So I challenge you to look at your own lives… are you holding onto any ‘toxic’ friendships or relationships, out of fear or for any other reason? Even if you realize that they are simply mirroring behavior that you have within yourself, it doesn’t mean you are required to hold onto the relationship. Sometimes it’s nearly impossible to change while tethered to a person who wishes to remain in the behavior that you are trying to change within, and the best thing for both of you is to move on. After all, why hold onto something making both people (or just one) miserable? I myself was forced to concede that holding onto my own toxic friendship was simply enabling me to be abused time and time again. I was punishing myself. And for what? No more. :-)

Posted by Rian at 6:29 pm Tagged with: , , , , ,

Who Are You?

Spirit Journeys No Responses »
Apr 052011

Last week, amidst a truly trying and miserable time (see the post below about learning a painful lesson), I happened to have two beautiful spiritual experiences. I have decided to share a little bit of them here.

Lately I have been a little more hesitant to share experiences like these with people. It used to be that every time I had a significant spiritual experience, I’d share it excitedly with everyone. But it was brought to my attention that I need to be a bit more discerning about sharing them for a couple of reasons. First off, because not everyone on a spiritual path has similar experiences. Secondly, because these experiences are ‘holy’ and serve a true learning and growth purpose, which is not always to be shared with others. And thirdly, it would appear that when I go around excitedly telling everyone my experiences, I am merely showing off. I am not being practical.

So, my purpose in sharing these experiences with you all is that maybe somebody reading this needs to be reminded that we are in fact multidimensional beings, and that we all have angels and spirit guides around us, waiting to communicate and assist us! And most of all, because if you truly want to know who you are, just ask (in prayer/meditation) wholeheartedly, and you will be shown.

Here are my experiences!

EXPERIENCE #1 – Last Wednesday morning, I woke up around 4:30am. I tried to get back asleep, but it seemed impossible, as I was wide awake and literally ‘strumming’ with energy. I became aware, after a while, that there was a spirit presence in my room. (Many of them, in fact, it felt rather ‘crowded’ in there!) I became aware after a while that they wanted to speak with me. As a matter of fact, I have been aware over the past week or so that ‘spirit’ wanted to communicate, but I’d been putting it off for various reasons.

Anyway, I decided that I was ready to communicate. So, I let them know. (I should mention that when I am communicating with ‘spirit’, I sometimes, but not always, speak aloud. Most of the time I speak in my mind, then I listen to what comes forth. It really is a concentration exercise of sorts.) Anyway, what ensued was a very helpful conversation. They communicated with me about who I really am and what my purpose is, among other things. I asked a few questions and received answers. I already knew I am a ‘teacher communicator’ soul, but I pressed them for a few more details. They informed me that I have had many past lives using these qualities. I have supposedly been a ‘prophet’ of sorts in some past lives, but somewhere along the way, I experienced some major throat chakra issues (relating to speaking my mind and honesty), which is why I am at the place I am now.

I decided to ask them if they could show me some of these important past lives. I closed my eyes, and almost immediately was shown some images of landscapes (about 4), but unfortunately I couldn’t glean any important details, such as where, who, when, etc. So, I asked again. I then turned over to lay on my back. Now, often times when I meditate, I’ll get a pulsing purple violet light behind my eyes. Often times this ‘energy’ will wake me up sometime between 2-4am in the morning and I won’t get back to sleep. (I’ve come to understand that it is either Kundalini energy or some other sort of healing energy). Anyway, a few minutes after asking them for the second time to ‘show me’ my past lives, I began feeling that same Kundalini/healing energy going through my body. I began seeing really bright violet and gold pulsing lights behind my eyes. Then I heard someone say twice, ‘You are leaving your body behind’. My body began vibrating and feeling really odd, to the point that I got scared, wondering if I was about to die (leave my body behind?!) or something.

So I sat up and turned on my bedside lamp. I got up, drank some water, and sat in my computer room for a few minutes, thinking about what had just occurred. I suddenly realized that ‘they’ were going to fulfill my wish by taking me on an out-of-body journey and ‘show me some things’, and that I had blocked it with my fear! Oops! So I went back to bed, laid down and apologized and told them I was willing to go on the journey. I laid in bed for about 10 minutes, where the Kundalini energy got stronger and stronger. And roughly 10 minutes later, I left my body. I could literally feel myself leave my body (not for the first time, I am no stranger to ‘out of body’ experiences).

The problem is that I don’t remember 90% of what happened once I left my body! I am kind of sad and suspect that if had I gone with them that first time, I would probably have remembered it all! In any case, it was a beautiful experience from what I do remember of it.

Anyway… this experience and all out-of-body experiences serve to remind me that I am in fact more than a physical being – that there is SO much more than this physical existence. (This is also why I am sharing it here, to remind you all of these things as well.) :)

EXPERIENCE #2 – This happened late Thursday night. I had gone to the school of metaphysics for the dream class they hold weekly, but it turned into a mentoring session instead. The woman teaching told me some very important things that really opened my eyes – things I’d known but was unclear on. (As she was speaking, the room literally brightened, and she glowed with a very bright aura, which happens when the person talking is being guided by spirit. I believe spirit was literally speaking to me through her, so I listened very closely). When I left the school, it was about 9:50pm, and my mind was very clear, and I decided that when I got home, I was going to meditate. She’d advised me to do a couple of other writing exercises, which I completed immediately upon getting home. Then I sat down to meditate at 10:20pm. I did my usual light-expanding and breathing techniques. Then I asked, “Please, show me who I am.” It’s important to note that I had a very clear goal in mind and had no doubt whatsoever that I would be shown.

Well, I was shown, alright – my soul self, that is! Within 5 minutes, a ‘being of light’ pressed upon my inner mind’s eye, and took me on a journey to the inner realms. (I didn’t leave my body this time. Instead, this all took place in my mind’s eye, and I had to literally focus and concentrate to stay ‘with’ the process). I won’t get into to too many details, because sharing them here won’t serve a purpose. However, I was shown several places that I go between lives, and even one or two places I recognized that I go at night when I’m dreaming! I was shown a few of the activities I participate in. I can say one involves a very large class of ‘younger souls’ that I teach. Another was a place that I go filled with animals of every kind and every description, (many species that don’t even exist here on earth!), where I go to work on animal communication. When I was shown my classroom and the animal place, I felt overwhelming love and recognition. I knew that these places are where I spend a lot of my time when in the ‘inner realms’. There were a few more places I went, including places where the souls and I from different organizations meet up to discuss our lives.

This meditation lasted about 30 minutes, and I was really surprised when I got up and checked the time. I thought it had been a lot shorter. Thank GOD for the concentration skills I’d developed recently, they really helped. (Every time my concentration wavered, the spirit being would get right in front of my face and beckon me on, which helped ‘bring me back’ to the present). I’m grateful that I was in fact shown a part of ‘who I am’. I feel more connected to my soul self now.

If anyone is reading this and longs to know about their soul self, feel free to ask your spirit guides wholeheartedly. (Or ask your inner higher spirit self, or God, whichever you prefer). When you ask, believe in your heart that you will be shown. I had no doubt that night when I sat down to meditate, I knew it would happen. Make a practice to meditate and read spiritual literature and think positive thoughts, as these things help raise your vibration.

Getting to know your soul self can really help, especially in really trying times when you feel trapped by this physical existence and/or trying circumstances.

My plan somewhere down the line is to next ask to be shown my spirit self, which resides in superconscious. (The soul resides in the subconscious mind, and the spirit in the superconscious mind).

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed reading this!

Posted by Rian at 6:15 pm Tagged with: , , ,

A Very Painful Learning Experience

Painful Lessons 2 Responses »
Apr 012011

Hello everyone, happy Friday! The past few days have been a mix of amazingly spiritual highs and horrible lows. However, the lows weren’t in vain, I have learned deeply from them, and that’s all that counts! I have been confronted with some of my own ego ‘delusions’ and judgments, but then also experienced two significant spiritual happenings, which I will share in a later post. I’ve been reminded that when we begin to grow spiritually, we are forced to face our own issues. And we are rigorously tested.

Here’s what happened. Prepare yourself, this is a long post! A dear friend and I got into a terrible argument. Two things brought on the argument: my friend’s negative vibes and thoughts, which he passed on to me over the weekend, and my own inability to be honest up front with him about it. We’d had similar problems in the past, and apparently this is something that needed to happen.

Before I get into what happened, I want to share up front that I believe – no, I know – that we all mirror each other. (I will be writing a full post on this at a later date). None of us are victims, except perhaps of our own behavior. Anything that bothers you about another person is something that you yourself do or have done and are not happy with. Period. We project our own shortcomings, expectations and behavior onto others. This is an amazingly powerful realization, and takes a while of applying to truly understand. I’ve been learning and applying this for many months and have reached an astounding level of clarity with it. It’s basically, ‘You spot it, you got it’. But on a deeper level.

So that said, here’s a basic sketch of the story that happened: A good male friend and I had gotten very close (spiritually) lately and even had a past-life crossing reading with a few weeks ago. I am further along on the metaphysical spiritual path because I’ve been studying metaphysics and meditating for many months now. So in a way, I was guiding and encouraging him. Anyway, him and I both are empaths and healers, and we are very sensitive to energy, especially from one another.

So, last Saturday night, he started to get really down and started questioning his spiritual beliefs. (Again). I was very vulnerable at the time because I had also been struggling last week with various things, most of which I didn’t share with him. You see, I am of the firm belief that if we are spiritually suffering, we should share it with someone who is qualified to handle the energy. To share your spiritual doubts or sufferings with someone newer on the path, can be in my opinion, detrimental to their growth. I usually speak to a therapist, strong spiritual friend or spiritual teacher when I’m really suffering. Mainly because I am not willing to pass my negative ‘burdens’ onto friends or family.

Continuing with the story… so, he unloaded his thoughts on me. I could tell he was really suffering, so I listened and encouraged him and reminded him of some of the miracles he’d already seen. But what I didn’t tell him is that his energy was being passed onto me. And that it was dark. There was NO way that I could have told him this on the phone when he was already suffering. So, I didn’t.

We hung up, and the next morning, I woke up in a pretty bad place. I was still carrying the energy he’d passed to me, along with the stuff I’d been carrying all week and hadn’t been able to release. I felt very sensitive, so I shut my phone off for the most part and didn’t talk to anyone for a couple of days. (I did make an exception and attended a metaphysical lecture on Sunday). By Monday, I was more calm and decided to go ahead and be honest with my friend about why I hadn’t talked to him in a couple of days.

Before contacting him, I processed the energy, spoke to a spiritual teacher and meditated on things so I was clear and focused. In doing so, I managed to finally understand what was going on. I saw that this situation had happened many, many times in the past with my buddy and I. We’d gotten in some terrible arguments over the past few years over this very same scenario. It would start with his negativity, which he’d unknowingly pass onto me, through constant complaints, etc. (By the way, I know he wasn’t doing this intentionally). Then I’d absorb it more and more, becoming more and more uncomfortable. I was too afraid to speak up about it.

And then I’d become more and more resentful, and finally one day, I’d release my pent up frustrations in the kindest way I knew how. It was and is extremely hard to say anything of a critical nature to this person – he immediately lashes out – so I would usually take to email, pouring out my heart. Every time, it started an argument, because he would deny, deny deny his negativity. Then, he’d add to the fight, bringing up all sorts of irrelevant things until everything was a hopeless mess.

We have both been at fault. And funnily enough, our past life crossing reading reflected this EXACT thing: that he needed to become aware of his influence over people, and I needed to learn to speak my mind to him.

So back to this story… I poured my heart out in an email. I know I was kind and loving in the email. However, it wasn’t taken that way… once again, he blew up. Completely. Immediately he began accusing me of things that I hadn’t even said. Within two or three exchanges of messages, the old patterns of him throwing in all sorts of irrelevant arguments and accusations started. This time I was very aware, and I continued to keep the subject on how we could try and fix the situation. I suggested that if he had certain dark doubts, he could share them with someone more equipped to handle them, until I was able to take it. However, he absolutely refused to see it that way and wanted to be able to unload his stuff on me whenever he wanted. Forget about whether I could handle it or not.

Anyway, for two days we traded emails, that got nastier and nastier on his part. I finally gave into my own ego and started arguing back.

I became aware on the second day that I was literally arguing with myself, my own ego. (And obviously his!) I had been told in a dream one of the nights prior that I was being spiritually tested. And boy, was I. I could see all of the qualities he was displaying in myself. And it wasn’t pretty, let me tell you. His refusal to listen to reason? Check. His wanting to complicate things until they were a huge mess? Check. Terribly painful self-pity and throwing guilt and blame? Check. I suddenly and very acutely became aware I was literally being confronted with my own ego, some things about myself that clearly, I am very unhappy with.

It was an extremely painful process, because there was nothing I could say to my friend to calm him down except one of two things: take full responsibility for something that was equally both of our faults, or refuse to argue any further. I chose the latter. I chose that option because if our friendship is to continue, we NEED to work out these issues that have plagued us for years. I am more than willing to work them out. But he wasn’t. It had to be his way.

Anyway, we formed an uneasy truce. He decided to completely give up on spirituality and go back to satisfying only his physical and ego demands (which doesn’t make sense to me, given how much he’d enjoyed the spiritual learnings). But I understand. I understand the limitations ego places on us. We become addicted to them. We revel in them, we live in them, not knowing there is another way.

I told my friend that I’m trying to devote my life to saying and thinking things only of the highest vibration. I have no interest in making fun of people, complaining (still working on this!) and partaking in some of the other activities he does on a regular basis. I told him that this is what I personally need and that I am only interested in raising my own vibrations at this point with the highest and most holistic thoughts and actions. (Again… still working on this). :) However, he took this to mean I was judging him and putting him in a box. I continually told him that no, I don’t expect this of him, but that this was what I need. He could not accept it.

There is not much that could be done when two friends come to a place where they are no longer matched in their values and goals in life. Since our uneasy truce was formed, I cannot talk to him about spiritual things, and he has taken to joyfully informing me about which unsavory activities he is participating in. Our friendship is pretty much at a standstill.

But, I AM NO VICTIM HERE. I APPARENTLY DREW THIS SITUATION TO ME BECAUSE I NEEDED TO LEARN FROM IT AND COME FACE-TO-FACE WITH MY OWN ISSUES. I do not blame him. So to make sure I’ve learned from this experience fully, I made a list of things that he was doing during our argument that were the most hurtful. Then I took an honest but compassionate look at myself to see how I was doing these very things to MYSELF. And yes, I could see each one. Self pity? Yes, it’s been something I’ve struggled with for most of my life but that I have begun to break away from. Negativity? Definitely. Inability to learn or see reason? Yes. I am given much advice by my spiritual teachers, and I tend to ignore much of it. Complicating things so they can’t be fixed? Yes, oh yes. The ego is extremely good at complicating things. Especially mine, since I like to believe I’m extremely intellectual. :)

The self-pity comes into play these days mainly through that I have refused to accept who I truly am – a spirit, a light soul who has a purpose for being here. I’ve come up with so many excuses not to accept this.

But not anymore. This painful episode – which kept me literally anxious, panicky and miserable for two straight days – was a huge learning experience. I only hope my friend learns from it as well. He will not listen to anything spiritual anymore, so I cannot share this with him. But that is OK. He is on his own path of learning. He will get there, I have no doubt. As will I. We are all works-in-progress.

The most important thing I’ve learned from this experience is that I need to become teachable again, and start really, really listening to my inner guidance and the teachers in my life. I will follow up with another post with some spiritual happenings and realizations that came about in the past couple of days.

To all persons reading this, I challenge you: Think back to your last argument with a loved one or friend. What exactly did they do or say that really bothered you? Be honest. Write it down. Then be even more honest, and think about how you may be doing that very same thing in your life. Maybe you are doing it to yourself. Maybe you are doing it to someone else. At first, it takes a while to really see how you are mirroring the behavior. But with practice, diligence and honesty, it will become apparent. The most amazing thing is that once you identify the behavior in yourself and start working on it, you will see the other person working on it, too. We don’t only mirror the ‘unpleasant’ stuff. Positive changes in yourself can and will be mirrored and reflected outwards, like the pond ripple effect. You’ll see. :)

Posted by Rian at 5:27 pm Tagged with: , , , ,
© 2012 Spiritual Gal Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha