Sometimes, despite your best of intentions and actions, you realize you have reached the end of the line with people in your life, for various reasons. Perhaps some of them are violently opposed to your spiritual growth and fear it threatens them or the relationship; perhaps they are the types that do everything in their power to bring you back down to their level; maybe they are so opposed to growth in their own lives that any time you gently point out something that might help them or the friendship continue in harmony, they vehemently oppose it and play a victim role.

Unfortunately, a long-time (8+ year) friendship that I have had has come to a final end, because the person has exhibited all of the above qualities. For a long time I tried to be gentle, caring, loving and firm. We had been growing apart for quite some time because we are moving in different directions in life. For instance, I am working hard to create much growth, harmony and peace in my life and am taking steps to leave dissension, self-pity and self-blame behind. I have been examining each thing I do in my life and seeing if it fits with the person I know I truly am inside (and am working to become), and discarding things that inhibit my growth into a humble, gentle, caring, loving and peace-filled individual. However, this friend is insistent on sitting around complaining about every little thing in life, not even realizing the potential he has to cause a positive movement. While that is fine for him if that is what he chooses, he will whine and complain incessantly during our phone conversations, dragging me down to his level of discontent, self righteousness and unhappiness. The past few times I’ve brought it up with him, he cruelly attacked my values and beliefs and actions, while at the same time act like a victim.

I blogged about our last argument here and made many mentions of the fact that I’m aware he is/was only mirroring behavior within me. I was under the mistaken impression however that I needed to keep that person in my life and only make the changes within myself. So, we became friends again for a time. However, it has become glaringly obvious that sometimes you have to let go people who mirror the worst inside of you for the very sake of sanity. How can I work on myself when the person continually exhibits and flaunts behavior that I myself am working to change within me?

So what happens when, as is true in the case with my now former friend, two friends are making different choices in life that is bringing them further and further apart? What happens when they cannot support each other because they are into different things? The only thing I see to do in this case is start a peaceful detachment process with one another. After all, things, people and places come and go in our physical realm. It doesn’t mean they aren’t still attached on a soul and energetic level. So, in the past week I started distancing myself with this friend, remaining friendly but detached. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we were moving in opposite directions.

When I gently informed this person I was taking a step back in the friendship for that very reason, he lashed out (once again) with heaps of abuse and attack dialogue. Again. Once again it sparked a huge fight filled with hateful accusations and blame coming from his end (NOT mine). While reading yet another angry email from him last night, it clicked… I do not deserve this.

I deserve friends who will bring out my best qualities, not my worst ones! I deserve someone who knows about my spiritual path and accepts my choices joyfully. Just as my friends deserve that from me!

And if you cannot be joyful about their life choices for whatever reason… it’s time to move on.

And that’s what I am doing – except permanently this time! I recall last year we’d had a similar falling out that lasted about two months, and during that time, I lost about 10 (much needed) pounds and a couple of my ailments disappeared – the ones related to self-pity and self-blame. However, it didn’t last, and I brought the friend back into my life. (Some of the ailments returned along with him!)

Sometimes, it’s just time to let go and move forward into the light of awareness and gratitude. I am grateful for this former friend and the times we had and I will always treasure the experience.

So I challenge you to look at your own lives… are you holding onto any ‘toxic’ friendships or relationships, out of fear or for any other reason? Even if you realize that they are simply mirroring behavior that you have within yourself, it doesn’t mean you are required to hold onto the relationship. Sometimes it’s nearly impossible to change while tethered to a person who wishes to remain in the behavior that you are trying to change within, and the best thing for both of you is to move on. After all, why hold onto something making both people (or just one) miserable? I myself was forced to concede that holding onto my own toxic friendship was simply enabling me to be abused time and time again. I was punishing myself. And for what? No more.