My Journey (Updated January 2012)

(The bullet-points at the end of this page have been updated as of April 8th, 2012). Here’s the story of my journey to where I am now! Please note in advance that I believe [know] that we choose our life circumstances, and so while I haven’t had the ‘easiest’ life, I am very grateful for every twist and turn that has led me to where I am now. I know that I chose my parents, my life challenges and circumstances, my family and friends, etc. I have come to understand that as souls before each life, we choose exactly what we are to deal with.

That being said… here goes!

CHILDHOOD

If I’m going to tell my story, I may as well start from the beginning! I was born at 9:09am PST in a city called Torrance, California, via C-Section. I was/am the middle child and have an older and younger sister. My early life (as faithfully and lovingly recorded by my mother, who kept a ‘first year diary’ for all three of us) wasn’t easy, as for whatever reason, I couldn’t tolerate feedings. I would pretty much throw up 90% of anything given to me. I became a very sickly baby in that first year, but managed to pull through and eventually eat normally, although I suffered from digestive upsets for most of my childhood and teen years. (If I ate too big of a portion at a time, or too much oil/grease, or whatever, I would suffer bouts of vomiting for hours on end that left me weak and miserable). It’s no surprise given my beginnings in life with digestive and eating problems that it would later translate into me having eating/food issues.

My childhood wasn’t totally normal. To begin with, both of my parents were active alcoholics. They loved us and never abused us though. I was a naturally shy and somewhat withdrawn child. My dad always encouraged me and called me a genius. I was in the ‘gifted and talented education’ classes at school. I wrote my first story at age 6, which won an award and was published in my school district’s Young Author journal. I found a best friend, a girl whom I’ll call ‘R’, who lived around the block from us. We were fast friends until around age 8, when she decided she’d outgrown me. Not only did she start being really mean to me, she turned most of the school against me. It was extremely traumatizing at the time, but I didn’t realize that it would color my entire early adulthood! (After months of [hypno]therapy in 2009/2010, I discovered that this event was the cause for many of my social ‘problems’ and issues over the years. By the way, I am not ‘blaming’ the event on my life’s problems at all. I know I chose it for one of my life issues and am fine with it).

So, I was the outcast in school for most of grade school. By the time I hit high school (there was no middle school in that area at that time), I well and truly believed that I was a nobody and not worth anything. This mostly unconscious thought would persist well into my early 30′s. Thanks to a few friendships that usually ended in deception or boyfriend-stealing, I developed a mistrust in women that lasts to this day (but has recently begun to be dissolved, thanks to a wonderful spiritual experience earlier this month! More on this later).

Life flew along, with me suffering from crippling self esteem and self-disgust issues and a very quick bout with eating disorders. (At age 14, I was 5’4 and 94 pounds and thought I was fat, so I starved myself for a short time). When I was 15, my dad died from alcoholism-related liver problems. My mom pretty much gave up on life and followed suit, passing away when I was 16. I had learned to numb myself out by that point, and didn’t grieve all too much although obviously I was heartbroken. (The grieving came later). I built a pretty high wall around myself. My younger sister and I were shunted around a few foster homes and group homes, which I hated and was absolutely terrified of. Many of the other girls in the group homes were ‘mean’ and had actually committed crimes, whereas, the worst thing I’d done was skip school a few times out of apathy and grief. Anyway, when I turned 18, I had a friend’s stepfather come and get me one night. (Yep, I went ‘AWOL’). The group home tried to get the police involved, but I was 18.

ADULTHOOD

Anyway, my early adulthood went by. I worked odd jobs, not having graduated from high school, and lived with my sisters for a bit. I had a few boyfriends here and there, recommitted my life to Christianity around age 21 or 22, and in the process became very self-righteous. By the time I hit age 24/25 in 2002, I was feeling out of sorts with my life and was flirting with an addiction to codeine and painkillers, even going so far to order some online from another country. I figured there HAD to be something else to life! I was getting desperate. That’s when a chance to move out of state came up. I jumped at the chance, and through a series of events, did my first solo cross-country road trip. (Long story). I ended up falling in love with the Northeast and moved to New Hampshire shortly thereafter. I was just turning 25. I loved it out there, made a bunch of new friends, had lots of new adventures, etc. Everything was fine and dandy for a while, but in December 2004, I had a bad car accident that would alter the course of my life.

Up until my car accident, life was basically meandering along aimlessly. I had finally found a full time job and mostly just worked, then came home and had quite an internet life. Learned how to put up a website and started posting some of my old poetry and stories. However, the car accident forced me to examine feelings and issues. I became SEVERELY depressed and suicidal the following year. I moved into a studio apartment in downtown Nashua, NH. After almost a year of being totally alone with very little human contact (other than a string of temporary jobs and internet friendships), I ended up finally meeting the other people who lived in my little apartment building in March 2006. There was a guy (called ‘J’ on here) who I met one day when I was coming home and he was going out. Immediately upon meeting him, I had a strange and none-to-pleasant feeling, but he showed interest in me immediately. I cultivated a friendship with him (being severely depressed and lonely) and a couple of other choice characters in the building in early 2006.

2006 was an interesting year… I finally started coming out of my depression, for one thing. Digressing a bit, I’d started a website about chick lit novels back in 2003 [chicklitbooks.com]. By the time late 2005 hit, I was itching to come up with a new idea for a website, and through a total whim and joke idea, started theskinnywebsite.com. I had no idea it would take off to the extent that it would! And it continued to grow by word of mouth and a few choice links I placed on popular weight loss blogs in early 2006. I started getting advertising offers and started making real money from the site. I’ll never forget July 2006… I was working at a rug company, doing internet writing, and was bored stiff and not making much money at it. The owner didn’t trust me to make the serious overhauls to his site like he needed to enhance his web presence. I didn’t exert myself, either. So one day in July 2006, I got my first advertising check, which was somewhere around $1,100 for one month’s advertising from a text link company. Around that time I was working mostly part time at the rug store and cleared a little less than that for one month’s work. I was so excited and took the check to work to show a coworker. I quit that job the very next day with absolutely no notice or warning. (I never called them or anything). I did later send an apology to the owner, who accepted it graciously.

The money started rolling in. I should mention that prior to this, I was dirt poor and broke for the years leading up to this. I had lost my really good job at an environmental company in early 2005 because after wrecking my car, I couldn’t afford a new one. I lived on unemployment for a short while and barely made ends meet. (Actually, ends didn’t meet and I was living on Cup of Soup noodles and super cheap Little Debbie cakes from a nearby minimart!) Spring/Summer 2006 was hotter than heck in New Hampshire, and my studio apartment was literally stifling, reaching over 95 degrees on some days. So when I quit my day job in July 2006, I made sure to get really ‘comfortable’. I got air conditioning, I started partying hardcore with the other alcoholics and addicts in my building, and made friends with a girl from the rug company who taught me how to do shots of hard liquor. Ultimately, it was my reliance on finally being ‘comfortable’ that caused my downfall.

I started a relationship with the above-mentioned ‘J’. I learned he was not only a hardcore alcoholic, but had major anger issues and multiple personality disorder. Our relationship was mostly physical and very, very unbalanced. I began drinking daily with him and a couple of other people in the building. Since I had money, I began supplying the booze. My apartment became ‘THE’ place to stop by for a ‘shot’. I still didn’t have a car and took taxis everywhere, reveling in my money and my fondness for getting ‘buzzed’.

J and I’s relationship was hardly a match made in heaven (although oddly enough, it was! Haha, more on this later). He actually started getting abusive in some ways, and heck, I was verbally abusive right back. I look back and am still stunned at the anger I displayed on some occasions. By the end of 2006, I was desperate to get away from him and that building. I begged my landlord to let me move to another one of his buildings several blocks away. He finally consented, making me promise not to reveal where I lived to J and the other ‘partying alcoholics’ in my current building. (I kept that promise up until J did some sleuthing and found out on his own where I lived and tracked me down many months later). In January 2007, after breaking up with J then getting back together with him multiple times, I finally said my final goodbye to him (which actually wouldn’t be) and moved out to my new bigger studio apartment. There, my nightly alone drinking took off. I was SO lonely. So depressed. Alcohol made me feel better. And so I partook. Nightly.

It’s pretty amazing, looking back how quickly I got enmeshed into alcoholism. I also had gained a bunch of weight in late 2006, becoming moderately overweight for the first time in my life. Prior to this I had experienced weight gain and loss, but it was mostly all within a ‘regular’ weight zone for my height (5’5). (The exception to this is a short time in late 2005 where I got up to 155 or so. I went on a low carb diet, lost weight rapidly and ended up in the hospital with severe low electrolytes!) However, in 2007, I got up to the 160′s. I was horrified and began a cycle of extreme dieting, then alcoholic ‘pigging out’. In 2008 I ‘flirted’ with 12-step recovery, during which time I reached my highest weight ever of 182. In 2009, I was back to drinking regularly and I experimented with healthy eating, veganism and vegetarianism which enabled me to lose a bit of weight. To this day, I am still ‘overweight’, but am using a new method of visualization to help with it. I will post on this in more detail at a later date.

In early 2008, I received an offer from a rather large online company to buy my website for a very large amount of money. Unfortunately however, after months of negotiating with my lawyer and the company, the deal fell through. I had some lessons to learn from that experience (and learn them I did!). So up until this day, I still run the [very popular] website although I don’t put nearly as much energy into it as I once did.

QUESTIONING MY CHILDHOOD FAITH

In late 2008 – December, to be exact – I was in a 12-step program for alcoholism, and I was frustrated. I had a sponsor and was doing what she recommended (to the best of my ability at the time), including the steps, service work, etc. I prayed daily. However, I couldn’t string together much sobriety at all. I couldn’t understand, because each day I begged the God of my understanding (which was the Christian God of the bible) to keep me sober. But I couldn’t stay sober. Looking back, there were things I could have done, but couldn’t see to do at the time. It just wasn’t my time to be sober yet, unfortunately – I hadn’t learned the lessons needed for it. So in December and January of 2009, I began questioning my childhood beliefs. BECAUSE IT JUST WASN’T WORKING. I read everything I could get my hands on. I prayed nightly for God to show me the Truth. (Every night I prayed this passionately and faithfully and I believe this is why I was led to discover the Truth). Finally in spring of 2009 I was led to read ‘Autobiography of a Yogi’. This book CHANGED MY LIFE. I began opening my eyes and looking around and being very honest with myself about my Christian beliefs. I realized most of it was fear-based. And that the Bible didn’t make sense as taken literally as I was strictly taught from childhood. And that it didn’t make sense that the rest of the world would burn in hell when they were taught other things. And why on earth were we considered sinners when we didn’t ask to be born? And much, much more. (I will probably get into a detailed summary of my thoughts and experiences on this topic). I was too scared to question things as a Christian because I was taught it was wrong. I was taught that by questioning and learning (even with an open heart that yearned to understand), I’d go to hell.

It took a while to let go of things, and I managed to let go of my resentment towards the church and Christianity rather quickly. There may be a lot of ex-Christians who are (understandably) angry, hurt and extremely resentful towards the church and Christians in general, but I am not one of them. I understand now that there was a purpose, and that no matter what ‘God’ I prayed to, I was praying to the same God.

…AND THE SPIRITUAL QUEST CONTINUES

So by the time late 2009 came around, I started yearning for more knowledge. I began reading everything I could get my hands on in regards to reincarnation. I went for my first past-life regression therapy session in January 2010. THAT was certainly eye-opening. I devoted my time in early 2010 to recovery from alcoholism, therapy and hypnotherapy. In June 2010, my life took a turn for the even better… I was led to the School of Metaphysics here in Tulsa. As soon as I walked in the door to that place, I knew I had found what I was looking for. Talking to the guy who later became my teacher was absolutely amazing.

So throughout the rest of 2010, I became a student and learned as much as I could. I began doing daily discipline practices, which led to my uncovering and realizing some of my spiritual gifts. (It also opened me up to getting spiritual ‘visitations’ at night, which I’ll get into more detail about later). Unfortunately my ego put up quite a bit of resistance and I dropped out of the full-time class in mid-October. After a lot seriously painful soul-searching though, I ended up staying involved with the school and attending functions and short-term classes.

I did my first energy healing practice at the end of November… and afterward was filled with such amazing peace and joy that knew with certainty that I had found what I was supposed to be doing. I had more opportunities to heal people in the months to come. I learned to my astonishment and joy that not only did the energy healing work, but that I could intuitively receive (in my mind) exactly what was causing the person’s pain. Every time, it was specific emotions and thoughts that led to their illness and ailment. I made sure to share my intuitive findings with each person. And I am grateful to say that a couple of them changed their lives for the better.

So, by the end of 2010, I had realized my gifts of clairaudience, clairvoyance, intuition, and healing. I had begun to get regular visits at night when I was trying to sleep. Specifically, I’d feel gentle pats or taps on me in various places. First I would hear knocking (usually three distinctive knocks) before I would become ‘aware’ that a presence was nearby. At first it terrified me, which then turned into just being startled and/or ‘on edge’. It wasn’t until 2011 that I finally stopped being scared at all or even startled. And I began trying to communicate with them. One memorable incident included myself and four other people I know – three of whom I’d done healing on!

In February 2011, I got the chance to attend a spiritual focus weekend at the College of Metaphysics in Missouri. It literally changed my life. I received intuitive advice and teachings, had beautiful experiences and meditations and got to meet ‘enlightened’ spiritual teachers (one in particular who has had a large effect on me). I had a beautiful experience of “Oneness” and experienced a higher state of consciousness. I left there with the firm understanding that we do in fact create our reality at any given moment and that our thoughts are extremely powerful. It was after this session that I began saying affirmations more often and began voicing my negative thoughts out loud, then correcting them and stating the truth. Turns out that this is the key for releasing those nasty negative thoughts that plague the mind! For instance, if the thought comes into my mind that “Ugh I am so fat and ugly”, then I say it out loud, then say “That thought is not truth, so I release it and replace it. The truth is, I am slimming down and becoming healthy, fit and vibrant”. (Or something to that effect). The more we say something, the more we believe it within, the more it becomes truth. Saying something out loud with intent is very important and powerful.

Also, I started to learn why I was getting visitations at night. There are many reasons – some of which I don’t yet understand, but basically, we draw things to us that we need to learn from or confront or release. I specifically needed to get more comfortable with ‘multidimensionality’ and things of that nature. Sometimes my own fear or doubt will ‘confront’ me.

In March of 2011, a mere month later, I got to attend the ‘Still Mind, Present Moment Open Heart’ lecture in Indianapolis. I learned very important life lessons on this day. Most importantly, I was able (thanks to the wonderful enlightened person teaching the lecture) to actually experience a totally still mind for several minutes. This experience is like no other. You suddenly are just existing… pure awareness. It is extreme stillness and peace. And you realize with certainty that thought truly IS cause… because when there is no thought, you are just existing in peace. It takes thought to make something happen. The school teaches that ‘Thought is Cause’ and although I learned it, I had not until that point learned it truly.

The next day, they did intuitive Akashic readings for many people. I received a between-life reading for myself and a good friend. The information I received was priceless and not only made sense, but gave great suggestions on things to improve our friendship and help guide us to where we need to go. (This particular friend is also an intuitive with healing abilities). I sat through all three of the hour and a half sessions and experienced a still mind and heightened consciousness on more than one occasion. Knowing I was sitting in front of people who could ‘hear’ your thoughts taught me to concentrate as much as possible. I left there having learned more concentration skills, for sure! Best of all I left with a sense of peace and direction.

I experienced one day in late February (between those two events) a sudden ‘glimpse’ of my soul self. It’s hard to explain what happened, but I’ll try. I was at a therapy session, and my therapist (who is New Agey and really cool) told me I had a bright green aura that day. (I often ask her to read my aura and usually it’s silver and blue. By the way, I can also read and see auras). I left there with a sense of peace and for some reason really concentrating on the color green. Suddenly, as I was leaving the parking lot, I had a ‘download’ of information of sorts. The color green was a trigger for this information. I realized and saw all at once that I am a teacher soul, and I teach with great patience, kindness and gentle authority. I teach ‘the young ones’ (young souls? Not 100% sure) and am known for my ability to be child-like, with endless patience. This was extremely touching and powerful to me. Firstly because I had been told prior (through spirit and intuition) that I’m a teacher, but up until last year, could never even imagine teaching anyone anything. (Now I yearn to teach! And I actually do as much as possible through day-to-day life.) Secondly, because it helped me to see qualities that I hadn’t realized I possess – specifically, the endless patience and authority.

I understand now that my ‘inner child’ and sometimes childlike sense of humor and silliness are actually great tools for creativity and teaching.

So anyway… that brings me up until now, March 25th 2011. I am on an amazing journey. Somewhere in the last several months, I’ve developed a very strong desire to teach, give to and assist others. I yearn to devote my life to these practices and to shed most (if not all) of my ‘worldliness’. I am learning day by day to let go of previous judgments and attitudes that held me back. I am learning unconditional love and compassion. I am building will and discipline (which has been my most difficult lesson to date). I learned that I use food and alcohol to comfort myself and not face what needs to be faced. This is a ‘lesson in progress’… and so is the lesson of learning to face everything honestly and fully. I’m getting there!

…AND THE SPIRITUAL QUEST GETS MORE INTERESTING!

(Updated May 23 2011). In May 2011, I completed a road trip to California. While there I experienced great healing, and my gifts of clairaudience and claircognizance intensified. After much meditation and thoughtful contemplation, I received inner guidance on the next steps I am to take in life. I’ve decided to team up with a couple of my spiritual/metaphysical friends (who also have great gifts and wish to use them to assist and help others) and start doing healing and intuitive readings. This is a work in progress situation, so I will update more on it later. Next month (June), I am going to another spiritual focus session at the College of Metaphysics. I’m very much looking forward to it!

SIGNIFICANT SPIRITUAL HAPPENINGS & REALIZATIONS

Here is a list of bullet points of significant spiritual realizations and happenings:

• December 2008, I started questioning my childhood faith of Christianity.
• Spring of 2009, I read Autobiography of a Yogi, which permanently changed my perspective on spirituality and religion.
• January 2010, I underwent two past-life regression hypnosis sessions which opened new understandings.
• February 2010, I spoke to a spiritual psychic, who told me among other things that I’m a healer and very clairaudient and a psychic myself. He also correctly diagnosed throat and root chakra issues and other things which I didn’t find out until months later were accurate.
• Also in Feb 2010, I had an out-of-body experience, where I traveled somewhere and spoke to three beings and was told part of my life’s purpose. I was told that I’m a teacher, and I’m supposed to be teaching kindness, love and joy. At the time I was incredulous, because I had never previously had any desire to teach!
• Throughout early 2010, I underwent intensive therapy and did many other past-life regression sessions. I began having spontaneous memories about certain lives.
• In June 2010, I began studying at the School of Metaphysics.
• Throughout the rest of 2010, I had many things happen: awakening of Kundalini; more lucid dreams; a couple of out-of-body experiences; night-time spirit visitations; synchronicity with close friends (who often would be visited the same night, etc); deeper realizations, major ego resistance which led to much misery and suffering, which then led to great joy and understandings; and more.
• In Feb/March 2011, I attended two weekend spiritual retreats and lectures, where I learned from great enlightened spiritual teachers. These teachers gifted me with greater understandings, a still mind, Oneness understandings & experiences, further past life readings (and I even met a significant person from another past life), tools to continue to grow and help others, and deeper realizations.
• In May 2011, I took a road trip to California. During my time in Hollywood, I went for an intuitive reading that further changed my life and opened my eyes to my life’s purpose. While there I experienced great healing, and my gifts of clairaudience and claircognizance intensified. After much meditation and thoughtful contemplation, I received inner guidance on the next steps I am to take in life.
• In October 2011, I attended a ‘Still Mind Weekend’ at the College of Metaphysics in Windyville, MO. During the weekend, which focused on complete silence and stillness, I experienced the Holy Spirit moving through me and healing me. We sat in complete stillness with an accomplished teacher, and it was the most beautiful, healing and enlightening experience of my life. I learned that weekend that I can bring about this Spirit and healing anytime I sit in silence and stillness of mind for any length of time.
• I also experienced my Kundalini raising through several of my chakras during that weekend, which was ecstatic and blissful.
• In the month of October 2011, I also developed telepathic abilities and a strengthening of psychic and intuitive gifts. When sitting and talking with a person in the capacity of teaching, healing or having a simple metaphysical conversation, I can communicate with the person’s inner Self.
• In the months of November and December 2011, I experienced great heights of bliss and heaven during meditations, but also new lows of severe depression and a reemergence of addictive behavior. I learned new ways on how to purify emotional baggage, cleanse the aura and raise my vibration.
• In January 2012, I am learning how to balance and stabilize myself. I’ve learned incredible spiritual highs can lead to incredible lows, so I’m working to balance and view things more neutrally. I received this intuitively on the morning of January 19th 2012: “Living in balance helps relieve karma and suffering, because when one lives in extremes, there is usually a desire to balance the self out, so lots of shifting around takes place. Extreme poverty, for example, causes an extreme desire for wealth and abundance, which then causes the attention to be placed upon the lack. I experienced this with trying too hard to live a perfectly disciplined willpower driven life. I focused too much on the lack of and continually tried to create what I thought I didn’t have. Gentle discipline is all that is necessary – harshness demands balancing out. The great spiritual masters who taught about balance and desirelessness have it right.“
• I received an incredible healing on January 17th, 2012, which finally helped lift the severe depression and darkness that had been plaguing me since late November. I learned that I have to go within for answers and not seek them outside of my Self.

I hope you enjoyed reading my life story. Obviously there was many ups and downs that I didn’t document. I will be adding much more to this site in the next few weeks. Make sure to visit often!